How to become a diabetic

It’s so easy, anyone can do it!

Becoming a type 2 diabetic and proudly having to finger stick your way to blood sugar control is patriotic, as it builds revenues for Big Pharma and the healthcare industry. What better way to support your country than to help successful industries grow larger, increase shareholder value, and increase the salary and perks for hard working executives?

So if you want to join the growing ranks of people who are becoming diabetic, now the largest epidemic of chronic disease ever witnessed in the history of the world, here’s what you do:

• Cut your fat intake — Because it leaves you unsatiated and hungry, you will be left with cravings and the loss of resolve to consume healthy foods, making those chips and cookies irresistible. Celebrate with Frito Lay and Oreos!
   
• Consume high-glycemic index foods — By “high,” I mean any food with a greater than zero or single-digit glycemic index, such as grains and sugars. Also eat more “low-” and “moderate-” glycemic index foods, because they raise your blood sugar to high levels, too!
   
• Consume modern wheat — Because the gliadin protein yields opiate peptides that stimulate appetite and increase calorie intake by 400-800 calories per day, every day, making you want more to eat all throughout the day, paving the road to a wonderful and proud collection of visceral fat.
   
• Listen to your doctor’s advice to not supplement vitamin D or supplement at low-dose and be content with a 25-hydroxy vitamin D level of 30 ng/ml, the level you would have with minimal sun exposure and no consumption of animal organs. Ignore the fact that healthy, young, sun-exposed people typically have 25-hydroxy vitamin D levels of 70, 80, or 90 ng/ml. And ask your doctor to take the less effective, non-human form of vitamin D available by prescription!
   
• Give into the joint pain, lethargy, and depression caused by grains. This allows insulin resistance to gain a foothold, sending up blood sugars. And, anyway, think of all the TV you can catch up on not having to worry about exercising.
   
• Eat processed foods made with grains and sugars, also filled with herbicides like glyphosate and imizamox, that cause changes in bowel flora. Cut back on those healthy Lactobacillus and Bifidobacteria species and give equal time to E. Coli, maybe even Clostridium difficile!
   
• Eat gluten-free foods made with cornstarch, tapioca starch, rice flour, and potato flour, since they have the highest glycemic indexes of all foods — there’s nothing higher! Your doctor will be shocked at how high your HbA1c can go just by following this simple strategy. Gluten-free foods might even earn you your very own insulin pump!

You’ll know when you’ve succeeded when you have to shop for larger and larger pants and dress sizes and, best of all, your doctor feels good about himself because he is able to do his job and hand out more prescriptions to treat your high blood sugars, high blood pressure, joint pains, skin rashes, acid reflux, and high cholesterol. Maybe he will even have to put you on antidepressants!

Think how much you will add to the bottom line of your friendly neighborhood pharmacy alone.

You can find a number of roadmaps to accomplish this lifestyle. The American Diabetes Association and the U. S. Dietary Guidelines for Americans have excellent programs for raising blood sugars. And don’t read nasty books like Wheat Belly that could actually harm the profit-making potential of grains and drugs. After all, the American Diabetes Association, the American Heart Association, and the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics are industry-friendly, happily accepting generous donations from Big Food companies like Coca Cola and Kellogg’s and Big Pharma companies like Pfizer and AstraZeneca. Make yourself a type 2 diabetic and watch their stock prices rise!

After a number of years of diabetes, think how much more you can contribute to the nation’s economic success when you need a heart catheterization, stents, or bypass surgery, carotid artery surgery, stents in your femoral arteries, hemodialysis, and foot amputations? Your doctor is happy, high-fiving you for all the terrific fees you generate, the hospital adds your name to its mailing list to keep up-to-date on all its new services, while dietitians congratulate you on how well you adhere to their low-fat, grain-based advice.

See how easy it is? Come on and sing along: “Tresiba ready!”