The Track Your Plaque guide to getting grotesquely overweight

If you'd like to gain huge quantities of weight, here's a number of helpful tips:

1) Follow the advice of food manufacturers and eat the products they label "healthy", or "heart healthy", or "part of a nutritious breakfast" etc., like Shredded Wheat cereal, pretzels ("a low-fat snack"!), low- or non-fat salad dressings.

2) Cut your morning calorie intake by skipping breakfast.

3) Hang around with other heavy people. They will confirm that it's okay to be overweight.

4) Call walking your dog "exercise".

5) Get a sedentary desk job. Use your swivel desk chair to scoot about whenever possible, rather than getting up to do things.

6) Say "I've worked hard all week long. Weekends are for relaxing, not for physical activities. I deserve a rest."

7) Eat foods without thinking about it: Eat chips while watching football, eat while on the phone, daydream over the sink.

8) Eat to provide comfort when stressed.

9) Eat foods that have sentimental value, whether or not they're good for you: Freshly-baked cakes that remind you of Mom, Pop Tarts that you used to carry in your lunchbox when you were a kid, hot dogs just like Dad would buy at the baseball stadium.

10) Cut back on sleep and generate insatiable starch cravings.

11) Stack your shelves at home with great variety. That way, you'll always have something to suit your mood.

12) Say to your spouse: "It's none of your damn business what I eat! I'm a grown man/woman!" Prove it by over-indulging in obviously unhealthy foods.

13) Tell yourself that you're just too busy to pay attention to food choices. Just grab whatever you can out of a convenience store or vending machine.

See, it's easy! And that just a start.

Of course, I don't really want you to do any of these things. But if you see yourself in any of the above, and you're struggling with weight, you should seriously rethink your approach.